Founded 2022
The Academy of unBelievable Absurdities started in 2022 to recognize people who stick with one thing for a long time. It gives out one honor, the uBA, and publishes every finding in full.
The Awards Committee reviews candidates and sends a recommendation to the Board of Governors. The award is announced once the Committee on Ceremonial Standards signs off on the paper stock.
Every candidate is measured against the same four things.
How consistent the candidate is, in purpose and presentation, across their whole record.
How complete their documentation, records and supporting material are.
How precise and particular the details are.
How many years they have kept at it. Months are noted but not counted.
The Academy doesn’t use points. Each criterion gets one of four grades, highest first.
If a criterion can’t be assessed yet, it is marked Pending longitudinal assessment. That is a classification, not a grade, and it counts for nothing either way.
The people behind the offices.
The Board of Governors
Chair
Votes on the Awards Committee’s recommendations. Meets behind closed doors.
Peg Altenwerth ran the front office of a tool-and-die shop in Bethlehem for thirty-one years and has chaired the Board since the first meeting in 2022. She votes last. Board sessions are closed to the public, and she has asked that the minutes not say why.
“People ask what the Board does behind closed doors. We vote, and then we eat. The vote is shorter.”
The Awards Committee
Chair
Reviews candidates and writes up the findings.
Dr. Pruitt taught high school civics in Phillipsburg for twenty-six years before retiring to read nominations full time. He reviews every candidate himself, with a ruler under the line he is on, and has never asked for a second opinion.
“I read the whole Cock Goblin file, footnotes included. Nobody has asked me about it since, which I take as a sign I got it right.”
The Office of the Registrar
Registrar
Numbers and signs findings. Keeps the Hall.
Ms. Tilley has been Registrar since the Academy opened. She numbers and signs every finding by hand in blue ink and has never misplaced a certificate, which she is happy to explain at length.
“Every finding gets a number. If you can’t find yours, the problem is not the number.”
The Committee on Ceremonial Standards
Chair
Approves paper stock, seating, menus and the wording on certificates.
Gerald Ostrowski spent most of his career in commercial printing and now decides what the Academy’s paper feels like. He abstained from the 2023 vote and has declined to say why, in writing or otherwise.
“Eighty-pound cover stock, cream. I won’t be taking questions about 2023.”
The Department of Laureate Relations
Director
Stays in touch with laureates after the award.
Dolores Haas answers every letter a laureate sends, usually within five business days and always in complete sentences. Before the Academy she worked the returns desk at a department store in Allentown, which she says prepared her for most of this.
“We mailed Mr. Osterhout’s letter General Delivery in Kingman, Arizona, and it sat there eleven days. I now send a second copy to the next town over.”
The Subcommittee for the Reconsideration of Previous Decisions
Chair
Hasn’t had to meet yet.
Alvin Kettering has chaired the Subcommittee since it was formed in 2022. It has not been asked to reconsider anything, which he calls the best record on the letterhead. He comes in every Tuesday anyway.
“Four years as chair and we have never once met. I’m proud of that. I’m also starting to wonder how long before somebody in payroll notices.”
The statuette is not dishwasher safe.
Questions about a decision can go to the Registrar’s Desk.
